Pathetic clash: ‘Piece of s***!’
BY rewarding the underdog, Sophie Monk has created a monster on The Bachelorette with one guy turning into a massive clinger and building a relationship inside his head after only one date.
It's always the quiet ones with slightly pink faces, you know what I mean?
During Thursday night's episode, we also watch on as the battle for Sophie's heart ramps up, with two boys engaging in a petty stoush over a simple Ugg boot.
For years, the humble Ugg has caused a lot of fiery debates. But those arguments are usually over whether a hung-over college girl wearing them with pyjamas should be allowed into nice brunch spots. Rarely have two grown men become so provoked by an Ugg boot that they almost get locked in a vicious slapping fight with one of them calling the other a "piece of shit".
First up though, the boys are reeling from a messy first night. We find them sitting around the mansion and I can just tell the place already smells.
Blake is pissed Sam got the "double delight" rose and he hasn't stopped seething about it. But he needs to get his priorities in order. He shouldn't be annoyed at Sam. He should be annoyed at the wardrobe girl who's tricked him into wearing an old lady top from Millers.
If you recall, Jourdan developed a limp midway through the cocktail party in Wednesday night's premiere episode and we didn't receive an explanation.
Now he's appeared this morning with a moon boot on his right foot and one crutch under his arm.
"I had a bit of an accident on the basketball court," he says, and that excuse makes no sense at all because we've basically been here the entire time. I've lodged an FOI request with Network Ten and Warner Bros. and I'm told an official statement will be sent through to me ASAP. Standby.
Osher arrives, delivering perhaps the most important piece of mail Australians will receive all year.
Jarrod scores the very first single date of the series and I honestly would not have picked this.
You might not know much about Jarrod. In last night's recap, I originally wrote a few pars about him but then immediately decided to cut them on account of him being unimpressive.
He's just a nice, no trouble sort of guy - and that kind of commendable behaviour doesn't get you included in these recaps. You've got to work for it. Say something mean about someone's haircut and then we'll talk.
But, Sophie has selected him for this primo date so I'm forced to include him tonight.
All you really need to know about Jarrod is his family own a winery and he's constantly flushed with a shade of pink.
For the date, Sophie's organised for them to walk across a high wire. Only, she's super scared of heights and so is Jarrod. I assure them some of my best first dates have involved a harness and they decide to go ahead.
Sophie knows exactly what she's doing. She's not scared of heights and this is all a trick to see if Jarrod will protect her. They begin the wire walk and she pretends to get scared and he is determined to come to her rescue as the protective and sympathetic gentleman. He passes the test and we climb back down to the grass and pick at a cheese wheel.
We were only in the air for a split second, but within that time, Jarrod has developed deep, possessive feelings for Sophie. Jarrod is loving this feeling of being the man and from now on he only talks to Sophie like she's a vulnerable and wounded child.
Yes he's lovely and nice and well-intentioned but he's also a bit of a nerd and just a bit too nice. I'm more attracted to mean guys - the kind of guy who'd laugh at me as I hung in terror on a faulty high wire before eating the entire cheese wheel himself at our picnic.
But Sophie doesn't have my issues and rewards Jarrod with a rose - and the first kiss of the series. It's monumental.
Back at the mansion, the boys have been informed of an impending group date and, for some reason, they've all decided to experiment with statement accessories.
As they sit around drinking coffee, we catch a glimpse of Luke who appears to have robbed a General Pants sales assistant of their wide-brimmed felt hat.
And Apollo - who has a chest so big I could use it as a bed - has decided to wrap a long, thin scarf around his bulging neck. I can't decide if the scarf is unusually tiny or if it's a normal-sized scarf but Apollo's gigantic torso is just making it look out of proportion.
Either way, it's a turn off and Apollo needs to be wearing less clothes and not draping himself in extra scraps of fabric.
The fun's broken up when Jarrod returns from his date and all the boys get defensive. Jarrod has decided he loves Sophie and the game is off and all the boys should go home now thanks.
It doesn't sit well.
"Nup. Jarrod's definitely coming on too strong," Sam - a man who performed a strip tease for Sophie and then ran around the backyard in his underwear before rubbing his body on her - says angrily.
Sam's just annoying and he keeps talking with an Arj Barker voice and someone needs to tell him dry shampoo is OK occasionally but eventually you need to actually wash your hair.
He also keeps pulling the same face this cat makes when her owner puts a flower on her head.
For the group date, Sophie tasks the boys with dressing up and posing for a photoshoot - recreating moments between famous couples throughout history.
They miss all the greats: Michael Jackson and Debbie Rowe. Drew Barrymore and Tom Green. Calista Flockhart and that old guy.
All this task teaches me is I've been wasting my time in my current job and there are other careers out there better suited to my key interests and skills.
The main aim of this game is to: A) make the hot boys (i.e. Apollo) look even hotter.
And B) humiliate everyone else.
It's Blake's photoshoot that leaves all the boys furious. The theme? Adam & Eve. And, just like Adam did in the bible, Blake wears a thong-back fig leaf.
Sam starts peering though a bush as all this goes down and his anxiety spirals out of control.
The photoshoot ends and, on the way out, Sophie stops to take a photo with a lucky fan.
Later that night at the cocktail party, Jarrod decides Sophie is his and no one else is allowed to talk to her. He has seriously fallen in love and thinks he's in a full-on relationship with her.
"LET ME GIVE YOU MY JACKET," he yells while running towards her, his pale face flushing to pink as he trips over a hedge.
Sophie's all "nah I'm good" because she's not a grandma and doesn't feel the draft so please get that shawl away from us.
As Sophie chats to another guy, Jarrod starts telling all the other boys to back off because he wants some private time with her. The group turns on him and he almost cries and declares he wants to marry Sophie. None of us know how to respond.
When he eventually corners Sophie, he surprises her with matching "his and hers" Ugg boots. He is really trying to develop this relationship quickly.
But the sweet gift causes mass fury around the mansion. If you recall, Blake also gave Sophie Ugg boots on Wednesday night when he arrived at the mansion. Indeed, the Ugg brand has not received this much attention since Britney Spears started wearing them to gas stations in the early 2000s. And I don't know why these straights boys are trying to bring them back. Everyone knows the Ugg has been overtaken by the around-the-house moccasin.
"Well that's f*cking original," Blake spits, as Jarrod shuffles over in his Ugg boots.
"He's just a piece of shit," Blake adds.
They get up in each other's faces. I don't really like either of them but I do have to say, Jarrod, if you're going to get rough and tumble you better kick off those lady boots.
At the rose ceremony, it comes down to Jourdan and some guy called Bingham.
Jourdan's confident he'll get through. After all, he's ticked all the major boxes: he's strapped a homemade blindfold to Sophie's face, cried on the first night and has been sporting a moon boot and crutches for no apparent reason. Guys, he might actually win this.
But he doesn't.
He hobbles up to Sophie and kisses her on the cheek. We then watch him limp out of the mansion.
As he crosses the yard, he throws the crutches into a bush. He stands up straight. There's no injury. He fly kicks his left leg into the air - sending the moon boot soaring across the street. He moonwalks backwards to the waiting car and slides on in.
As it drives away into the night, he sniffs his fingers and recalls the sweet, sweet memories.
For more observations on Millers and around-the-house moccasins, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir