Extreme trend the ‘new lower-back tattoo’
In what can only be described as a national emergency, lip fillers have become the new lower-back tattoos and teenagers need to be warned.
For years we've been mocking reality stars and Instagram influencers who've blown up their lips to such comical proportions it hinders their ability to speak properly.
But not everyone thinks it's a joke and some teenagers want in because apparently enunciation is for losers.
The Daily Telegraph reported this week teens are forcing their parents to sign permission forms to let them get lip fillers.
"They will show me a pair of lips that have been filtered in Snapchat and they say: 'I want these lips', but you have to make sure these young women know it is not realistic," the owner of Bankstown's About Face Cosmetics Rebecca Ziegler told the newspaper.
Remember in high school when you'd beg your parents for thirty bucks so you could buy a CD at Thursday late-night shopping? Well this is just like that only our parents absolutely refused to let us go late-night shopping and, instead of the latest Michelle Branch album, kids are begging for weird-looking body parts.
Gone are the humble days where high school meanies tried to insult you by calling you "frigid" or "gay". Apparently now the biggest insult you can hurl at a teen is about their regular-sized lips. I wish the worst thing I got called in high school was a thin-lipped bitch.
Every generation has its trend that spurs deep regret later in life. For some, it was the lower-back tattoo. For others it was the perm. For your grandma … well, I don't know what trend she regrets. Probably something to do with wearing a really slutty brooch.
I remember going to a hair salon, holding up a torn-out magazine page of Meg Ryan's shag and placing a simple yet firm demand: "THIS". Both then and now, that choice is humiliating. But an extremely layered haircut isn't quite on the same level as warping your body parts.
Everyone's favourite cranky old person Kochie needs to do a televised editorial on this issue while shaking his fist at the sky. No, scratch that. For some reason, Kochie shaking his fist at trends just makes us all want to actually do it.
Instead of that creepy Healthy Harold puppet locking students in a van and lecturing them to say no to alcohol, we should just be sending a bunch of Gen X-ers around to schools to reveal their lower-back tattoos and talk about the dangers of submitting to body modification trends that will be joked about by snarky generations to come.
Can you imagine the terrified screams that would erupt in the assembly hall when someone's mum bravely reveals the faded dolphin leaping across her lower-back while a random dad tears his shirt off to expose the Chinese symbols inked down his now-crepey bicep flesh?
JUST A LIST OF WHY WE'RE ALL ANNOYED WITH MEGHAN
Can anyone remember why we hate Meghan Markle? It's honestly hard to keep track - especially after that trip to Wimbledon the other day where she gave us all at least five new things to be annoyed at.
Some people were annoyed she used the royal box when, just days earlier, her arch nemesis Kate Middleton politely declined the flash seats.
Then we were irritated she wore jeans when Wimbledon rules clearly state denim in forbidden. New mums particularly took this as a slap to the face because Meghan wasn't just wearing jeans - they were skinny jeans, and she was wearing them with stilettos only two months after giving birth. That witch.
And then we were all offended that she refused to let people take photos of her - particularly because she has just used British taxpayer dollars to revamp the crappy kitchen at Frogmore Cottage (I don't blame her for this, that place was a dump). If you use taxpayer dollars on a fancy new splashback, that means you're obligated to pose for a photo for anyone who wants it for the rest of your damn life. Ugh, she's so selfish.
And keep in mind, this all happened only days after she locked us all out of the castle and insisted on keeping Archie's christening private. We all hate going to christenings and moan any time a family member invites us to one, but how dare Meghan not allow a television crew in so we had the option of watching.
Personally, I was enraged by that Panama hat she was running around in at Wimbledon. People who wear Panama hats are the worst.
But what would I know. I'm just a thin-lipped bitch.
Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir