Disco Dong aside, Byron doesn’t need any crass Big Things
THE ICONS of two North Coast towns have been engaged in something of a stoush.
But Byron Bay has stepped in, urging both landmarks to “stop embarrassing themselves”.
A heated back-and-forth arose after Coffs Harbour’s Big Banana was named the ‘Best Big Thing’ in the Wotif 2020 Uniquely Aussie Awards.
The yellow monolith danced on the grave of its competition and it is understood this gave Ballina’s Big Prawn a wobbly lip.
A sore loser as always, the Big Prawn responded with contempt.
Byron Bay says both need to pause, take a sip of kombucha and accept they’re just the run-down icons of towns that have to flaunt their “big things” for attention.
“I don’t need a big chunk of fibreglass to know my worth,” The Bay said.
“With more than two million visitors a year, that should be obvious.
“I accept I had a moment with that sculpture, which was, in its day, so big it blocked out the view of my real lighthouse from the Great Traffic Jam of Ewingsdale Rd.
“But I saw the error of my ways soon enough and now pieces of the disco dong gone wrong are adorning front doors, used as bottle openers, you name it. I don’t need to shove it in your face because I’m genuinely appealing.”
Adding sea salt to their wounds, The Bay claimed the Banana and Prawn were “completely useless” beyond the “depressingly dull happy snaps” they feature in.
“I’m all for instagrammable vistas; I created them,” The Bay said, sipping a margarita.
“Who do you think is the brains behind our digital influencers?
“But these guys are trying too hard.
“Their bitterness is understandable. I’d hate to be the kind of place you only stop because you’re on a road trip, on the way to some place better, and your kids need to pee.
“Sure, Ballina has an airport but people only fly there because my name’s on the door.
“Coffs has an island with cute birds but these days, who doesn’t? You can buy half of Coffs for the cost of a granny flat in Byron.
“My real big lighthouse – which has saved lives and doubles as a night-time disco aura – is on a headland that’s further east and therefore far superior to any other in Australia.
“I have more yogis and anti-vaxxers than both of you combined and my cocaine market is off the charts.
“I know how to evolve. I was a whaling town but I’ve grown to be so green even the Greens argue about who’s green enough.”
The Bay said its counterparts would “never achieve anything close to Byron’s Hollywood glamour” with “tacky statues of food scraps”.
“If you’re going to flex, you’d better be able to stand up against our cohort of Hemsworths,” it said.
“Perhaps I can help the Banana and Prawn to practise mindfulness, so they could be mindful of their rightful place at the bottom of this food chain.
The Banana and Prawn were contacted for comment but both simply sobbed down the line.