BITCHY: What the Big Prawn said to the Big Banana
BALLINA'S Big Prawn found out recently that its distant cousin, The Big Banana, had won a popularity award.
The Big Prawn was surprised to hear that its cousin had shown extreme bad manners in saying the crustacean, "was said to be inconsolable upon hearing of its third placing, and there are rumours it hit the seafood sauce pretty hard, cutting a desperate figure at the after-party."
The prawn, who has a strong exoskeleton for this kind of situations, decided to reply.
"After I googled Coffs Harbour to find out where exactly the Big Banana was located, I decided to pen this public reply to my distant relative after I remembered I deleted its number and blocked it from socials a long time ago."
Here is the letter:
"Dear Big Banana:
First, allow me to congratulate you on winning an award. Any award. Good for you!
It means people tend to believe you exist, which is a massive improvement from, let's say, a year ago.
So I hear you won the coveted Wotif 2020 Uniquely Aussie Awards, "long considered the 'Logies of obscure holiday travel awards'."
Let's delve into this for a second. Shall we?
Obscure. It means "not discovered or known about; uncertain".
So basically, Lady Fingers, the award means that out of all the unknown places people don't want to visit, you are their number one.
In regards to me "hitting the seafood sauce pretty hard, cutting a desperate figure at the after-party", I think you have me confused with Grafton.
I was busy serving all the amazing Queensland visitors that flocked down to visit me, take pictures of me and order actual food, elbowing and competing for space with the Sydneysiders, Canberrans and other tourists that keep landing at my local airport just to see if they can sit at a cafe at the beach next to a Hollywood actor.
Some of them stayed here to live. I know that's a concept hard for you to comprehend, that people may want to stay. But they do.
I would also like to offer a word of advice, if I may: Honey, your red tips are starting to show.
May I suggest, maybe, a change of name?
When your city's name sounds like you require a COVID-19 test to visit you (cough, cough cough Coffs Harbour!), you may need all the validation you can get to market yourself next to actual tourism destinations.
From "the bubble", with 'love'.
The Ballina Big Prawn
PS: Following the example of my neighbours at Bunnings, whatever you throw my way, I'll beat it by 10 per cent!